question your faith.
is it ok to be intolerant of judgemental people?
is such intolerance hypocritical because intolerance is a form of judging?
even if you are not intolerant, is the thought/recognition of someone judging you itself judging (insighting) someone else?
is telling someone that you dislike their judgements ok?
is disliking judgement ok?
is disliking someone for judgement ok?
is taking action in response to judgements ok? it depends:
-is punishing someone?
-is trying to stop judgement by changing them?
-is avoiding judgemental people?
is thinking (but not disliking) that someone is judging you ok?
and lastly, is my dislike of flag wearers ok?
as you can see, im in a bind bc i dont know if im allowed to dislike someone for being judgemental.
and then what about for not respecting my word, opinion, or passions?
and what about determining (through insightation) that someone else is undermining their respect?
2006-11-14
see id be happy to be her friend.
the way i see it, its she whos considering breaking off friendship.
bc ill be friends with anyone who wants it.
(unless theyre judgemental, but im working on dealing with this)
and i can promise never to make any demand on the other.
but that isnt enough.
why is friendship so conditional?
and why is it so high maintenance?
i was just talking to Juliet about being tired saving friendships.
because i do believe that any friendship can be saved as long as one person is humble enough and wants to save it enough.
but why is it always me?
why does not one every try to save my friendship?
why doesnt anyone ever swallow their pride (and their words), and say whatever will keep them speaking to me?
maybe because they dont need to.
maybe people know that you cant burn a bridge with me.
even if you want to.
and yes, i know im sinning by thinking these insighting thoughts.
thank you very much.
god. i know why my grandfather likes to say:
"if i were to do it all over again, i might not do it with a woman."
and hes mormon (and mormon=homophobic)
sometimes i get this peculiar feeling people want me to need them.
well i can see how feeling needed would feel good.
but do ppl really want me to be high maintenance?
do ppl want me to need their friendship and not just like it?
do all friendships need to be needed to be true?
the way i see it, its she whos considering breaking off friendship.
bc ill be friends with anyone who wants it.
(unless theyre judgemental, but im working on dealing with this)
and i can promise never to make any demand on the other.
but that isnt enough.
why is friendship so conditional?
and why is it so high maintenance?
i was just talking to Juliet about being tired saving friendships.
because i do believe that any friendship can be saved as long as one person is humble enough and wants to save it enough.
but why is it always me?
why does not one every try to save my friendship?
why doesnt anyone ever swallow their pride (and their words), and say whatever will keep them speaking to me?
maybe because they dont need to.
maybe people know that you cant burn a bridge with me.
even if you want to.
and yes, i know im sinning by thinking these insighting thoughts.
thank you very much.
god. i know why my grandfather likes to say:
"if i were to do it all over again, i might not do it with a woman."
and hes mormon (and mormon=homophobic)
sometimes i get this peculiar feeling people want me to need them.
well i can see how feeling needed would feel good.
but do ppl really want me to be high maintenance?
do ppl want me to need their friendship and not just like it?
do all friendships need to be needed to be true?
2006-11-13
2006-11-12
why are the following sexist and npc?...
1. asking a girl when her period is
2. suggesting that a girl is PMSing
my mood is effected by air pressure.
when air pressure is low, i get crankier.
when its high, i get mellower.
but i dont think this limits my self control.
and i dont explode at ppl who mention it
because i feel threatened.
girls have told me themselves that PMS has an effect on them.
more importantly, science itself backs me up.
and those few scientists that disagree
do not say its PMS is sexist against women.
on the contrary, they say PMS is the opposite,
an excuse for women to act in socially inappropriate ways.
for a women to feel that their very human dignity
is threatened by the very mention of the word PMS,
reflects some deep insecurity.
if be happy if i had the perfect excuse to do whatever the hell i wanted.
so stop being sexist.
or hey, blame it on the rain, like me.
/m\-_-/m\
1. asking a girl when her period is
2. suggesting that a girl is PMSing
my mood is effected by air pressure.
when air pressure is low, i get crankier.
when its high, i get mellower.
but i dont think this limits my self control.
and i dont explode at ppl who mention it
because i feel threatened.
girls have told me themselves that PMS has an effect on them.
more importantly, science itself backs me up.
and those few scientists that disagree
do not say its PMS is sexist against women.
on the contrary, they say PMS is the opposite,
an excuse for women to act in socially inappropriate ways.
for a women to feel that their very human dignity
is threatened by the very mention of the word PMS,
reflects some deep insecurity.
if be happy if i had the perfect excuse to do whatever the hell i wanted.
so stop being sexist.
or hey, blame it on the rain, like me.
/m\-_-/m\
i have sinned.
the repentance is useless.
but still i wish i repent more.
why?
because i feel like i am sinning again.
stop judging yourself.
i am unenlightened.
defending oneself is sin.
because its covering ones ass, manipulating culpability.
but if you dont, culpability remains with you.
the sages may (forgive my insighting) say that if you were truly enlightened you wouldnt care.
it is enough to know that youre right.
but i am not enlightened.
and i do care.
so lies a choice.
but maybe it is not enough to know that youre right.
just as the thought that you go to heaven and the others go to hell
sounds very christian.
so just have faith in that you did the right thing.
but evangliam is sin.
sure defending yourself is sin.
is telling people that you could defend yourself (which you could but wont) sin?
is thinking that you could defend yourself sin?
ie, it was her fault for not checking her email, how is it mine?
she called from random numbers; she shouldve called my home phone or sms'd me.
why expect the same bucket to draw different water?
sin. all sin.
i insight (forgive me) that others try their hardest to say what would have the greatest effect, even if theyre lies.
again i judge (them to be lies). forgive me.
but no one can burn my bridges. and i wont burn theirs. so i withold the truth.
i know she was PMSing. she told me such. but this i cannot juxtapose with my own defense.
is there hope?
buddha had no peers.
but then again, even unenlightened, i have no friends.
and i sinfully entertain the notion that perhaps i have no peers.
6 months and it still ruins my life. i will never have a girlfriend again.
the repentance is useless.
but still i wish i repent more.
why?
because i feel like i am sinning again.
stop judging yourself.
i am unenlightened.
defending oneself is sin.
because its covering ones ass, manipulating culpability.
but if you dont, culpability remains with you.
the sages may (forgive my insighting) say that if you were truly enlightened you wouldnt care.
it is enough to know that youre right.
but i am not enlightened.
and i do care.
so lies a choice.
but maybe it is not enough to know that youre right.
just as the thought that you go to heaven and the others go to hell
sounds very christian.
so just have faith in that you did the right thing.
but evangliam is sin.
sure defending yourself is sin.
is telling people that you could defend yourself (which you could but wont) sin?
is thinking that you could defend yourself sin?
ie, it was her fault for not checking her email, how is it mine?
she called from random numbers; she shouldve called my home phone or sms'd me.
why expect the same bucket to draw different water?
sin. all sin.
i insight (forgive me) that others try their hardest to say what would have the greatest effect, even if theyre lies.
again i judge (them to be lies). forgive me.
but no one can burn my bridges. and i wont burn theirs. so i withold the truth.
i know she was PMSing. she told me such. but this i cannot juxtapose with my own defense.
is there hope?
buddha had no peers.
but then again, even unenlightened, i have no friends.
and i sinfully entertain the notion that perhaps i have no peers.
6 months and it still ruins my life. i will never have a girlfriend again.
i want to be at inner peace.
but i am not.
i cant endure the judgement of my best friend, my ex best friend, and her best friend.
i want it to wash over me, but it sticks.
is it not enough to promise not to pass judgement on them.
and hope for reciprocation?
maybe to let go of sensitivity to judgement, one must let go of things to judge.
if the judgement is wrong, it it good enough to me?
must i let go of my friends?
why is the way always so hard to find?
i want not to want. i want to find my path.
but i am not enlightened.
i get no reciprocation because i do pass judgement.
even unspoken it is there.
and even if i judge not others, every minute i judge myself.
but the end may not be the means.
i want to justify myself.
i want not to want to.
but otherwise people pass judgement.
and im not enlightened enough to not care.
im accused of not caring.
but i think i care too much.
(please make me stop judging myself!)
i am embarrased
and proud
and embarrased to be proud
that i think of myself as
the sun in jones' seeing is believing.
i feel
or pretend to feel
a connection to everyone
and everyone's happiness.
but i am not.
i cant endure the judgement of my best friend, my ex best friend, and her best friend.
i want it to wash over me, but it sticks.
is it not enough to promise not to pass judgement on them.
and hope for reciprocation?
maybe to let go of sensitivity to judgement, one must let go of things to judge.
if the judgement is wrong, it it good enough to me?
must i let go of my friends?
why is the way always so hard to find?
i want not to want. i want to find my path.
but i am not enlightened.
i get no reciprocation because i do pass judgement.
even unspoken it is there.
and even if i judge not others, every minute i judge myself.
but the end may not be the means.
i want to justify myself.
i want not to want to.
but otherwise people pass judgement.
and im not enlightened enough to not care.
im accused of not caring.
but i think i care too much.
(please make me stop judging myself!)
i am embarrased
and proud
and embarrased to be proud
that i think of myself as
the sun in jones' seeing is believing.
i feel
or pretend to feel
a connection to everyone
and everyone's happiness.