Erg Test
by Last name, X = Cox
scaled to 5K


.....R....C.WP...N..S.AB....... (Sep 5K)

.....R.....C.KW..AN.S.B........ (Oct 5K)
.....P.........................

W....R..P....D...N.K..S.B.....X (Nov 10K)
.............C.....W...........
...................A...........

.....R...D.......K.AWS......... (Nov 5K)
.........C.........N...........
.........P.....................

the only resentment i feel towards my orientation is the fact that men are more racist then women.
the eurocentric standards for male beauty--among males that is--
is such that the type of man would settle for an asian like me,
is not the type that i can bring myself to be attracted to if being honest.
so for now i will lie to myself some more; we are good at being not honest outwardly and inwardly.
speaking of which, this is how i define slut:
going with people who you are not into.

Crush list
reasons (I can't have 'im) key: TH - too hot, S - straight, S? - straight?, T - taken

Stanis M - S, NGM[annerisms], L[ittle]E
Ben M - S?, NGM[annerisms], LE
Scottie H - G, T, TH (welsh, polish), EC[ontact]?

1 Oct 07

Mike R - G?, NE[ye contact], GM
Mike K - G, T, TH?, EC

I S T E
D I E S
M A R T

tomorrow is a very special day:
the first September 11th to fall again on Tuesday
iste dies martis (bis)!
and the moon is new,
a very special day indeed.

i fell asleep on the (smaller) living room couch here at grandma's in the afternoon. there i had my typical pre-school nightmare--i get them every year this time; the strange thing is this being the first.

in my dream it was also 31 Aug 07, and i was going to college 1 Sep 07, and i was taking Myth/Cosmo. the difference was i was in my bedroom in the city (arranged as it is now, not as it was Sep 06), it was the early evening, and i was freaking out about a collage i had to make for Myth/Cosmo due the next day. then i woke up and was relieved. this happens alot.

i had a cooler dream the night before, but was awakened at 8 by grandpa--because ivent seen him upstairs in recent history, i was motivated to jump out of bed immediately. the 6 hour sleep accounted for the nap this afternoon.

the sum of my fears:
will white boys fuck me if im asian and inexperienced?

if the gideons can put bibles in hotel rooms,
can a similar organization put condoms in hotel rooms?
if you can't put condoms, why can you put bibles?

alcoholedu.com self-quote:

"My family''s attitude was mixed: in social contexts it ok, but during weekdays and in response to stress no amount is ok. The differing attitudes between my parents gives me the perspective of both sides. I have never associated drinking with coolness, especially beer; I''ve associated it with the 70s (and old age), with fatness, and with unhygienicness. Real (ie, Olympic) athletes are associated with drug-free sobriety."

relative: cisgender homosexual
absolute: androphilic XY-man

why i believe in Agapē (αγάπη) at first sight.
it was at a modern art museum in venezia.
he was white and possibly british, shorter than me.
italy is full of beautiful people, and this one didnt stand out in that respect.
there was no Érōs (ἔρως), so no πριαπισμός or desire for sex. and no Philia (φιλία), which must be cultivated.
but i felt a strange calmness and non-sexual attraction.
i know at once that i wouldnt mind spending the rest of my life with this person, a person i did not know. i know it sounds silly. and perhaps when i got to know him, the Agapē might go away if he's a jerk or not into me, or be turned into ie, Philia.
when i left i didnt feel superficially sad like the withdrawal i feel when a subject of Érōs at first sight leaves my sight. i just felt a stillness, like it was enough to just have met this person. perhaps it was a deeper and less physical sadness, similar to sadness for the woes of the world.

i think it was hormonal, but not testosterone,
because i forget the feeling now,
but for a while afterwards i could recall the feeling but by thinking about the experience, similar to the 3 epic dreams i had in pubescence, and the 10 epic (in a different way) movies i watched at the beginning of this summer.

how to lose a guy in ten days 3 stars,
but still now one of my favorites, probably for the actors.
her falling in love and hesitancy wasnt portrayed well, though i liked both characters ALOT--good people they were, none of this complicated crap.
but the ending dialogue was weakly written, in fact most of the dialogue was somewhat subpar in cleverness.

shaun of the dead 3 stars also,
didnt like it as much as i thought i would
dont really like british humor i guess--like the movie paparatzi and spinal tap i didnt like.
started off really really slowly, but there were a few VERY funny laugh out loud moments.

XY-male-androphile

such terminology makes it harder to divide society into heteronormative and LGBT.
but perhaps such division is one (and only) goal both groups share.

labels.
i am a

1. XY,
2. male,
3. androphile.

these are good ways to describe yourself, not labels, but descriptions.
i like the term LGBT because it's unbiased and unemotional.
it fits into my ideal of the nameless, because it's not a name--it's a description, like "14th street."
i dont understand why people take labels so seriously;
empirically, in my experience, people that don't care if you mispronounce their name are more enlightened or intelligent.

having labels that change every 5 years is confusing, and causes people to be numbed and unreceptive.

rejecting LGBT because T stands for transgendered, and youre transsexual or intersexed requires a high level of seriousness. rejecting "homosexual" because you consider yourself female (though XY) also requires a serious demenour, since homosexual is defined as a XX/XX or XY/XY relationship.

[edit 8/21/07]
sex choices: 1) XX/XXX/X/etc, 2) XY/XYY/XXY/etc, 3) intersex
sexuality choices: 1) androphile, 2) gynephile, 3) bisexual, 4) asexual
gender identity choices: 1) male, 2) female, 3) other

Future sexual discriminants:

I would do anything to have you.
But it's ok.
You know how it is.
After being in the closet so long
you learn how to forget,
how to let go of what you want.
What's one more?

the case for 4 syllable pronunciation of "het'rosexual":
symmetry!

1 syllable neutral terms: gay, straight
2 syllable pejorative terms: faggot, breeder
5 syllable clinical terms: homosexual, het'rosexual

jeremiad means two different things depending on context.

ie, gay jeremiad would probably mean a sad gay-bashing story,
but a christian jeremiad would probably mean an angry christian tirade.

flyboys (2006)

lookalikes:
Martin Henderson (I) ~ Martin Duchovny
Philip Winchester ~ Tahmoh Penikett

i do not tolerate "one up" or "zero sum" mentality,
or social "hyper-rational" / economic irrationality.
(see recent Economist testosterone economics article)

does that make me slightly misandronist like my father's slightly misogynist.
probably more classist than anything,
since i consider "economically irrational one up/zero sum mentality"
to be a class razor.
it is also a selfish meme
(self perpetuating but not superrationally advantageous).

this classist-misandrony seems to be linked to all my beef in life,
(ie, caste, self-indulgence)

speaking of class razor,
gender differentiation in conversation is another:
in my community there is very little difference in conversational topic between men and women--religion, politics, family guy, etc.
but i observe a conversational gender barrier
in non-intellectuals: women gossip and men banter/talk about sports.

even spam is heteronomative!
fucking heteronormative spam.

this may come across as offensive.
but ive been wondering why you can't call blacks "nigger," but you can call queers "fag."

etymologically, "nigger" means "black."
however, "faggot" means "kindling."
you tell me which ought to be more offensive?

Latin classes around the world are needlessly awkward because the Latin word "niger" (which means black) is correctly pronounced identically to "nigger," but society forces us to mispronounce it as "neeg-air"

ie, "Debet et a radiis sideris esse niger:" Ars Amatoria I.724

Vickie Shaw (to her baptist mom):
"We have our pride parades in the summer because it's in the bible. yeah look it up, it says: 'Pride cometh before the fall.'"

do not visit list:

illegality...

Egypt (5 Years)
Nigeria (Fine/Death/14 years)
Somalia (3 months - Death/3 years)
Algeria (Fine - 3 years)
Angola (Labour camps)
Benin (3 years)
Botswana (Fine - 7 year)
Cameroon (Fine - 5 years)
Djibouti (10-12 years)
Eritrea (3-10 years)
Ethiopia (10days - 3years)
Gambia (Fine - 14 years)
Ghana
Guinea (6months - 3years)
Guinea Bissau (Labour camps)
Liberia (Fine)
Libya (Fine - 5 years)
Malawi (? - 14 years)
Mauritania (Death)
Mauritius (Fine - 5 years)
Morocco (6 months - 3 years)
Mozambique (Labor camps)
São Tomé and Príncipe (Labor camps)
Senegal (1month - 5years)
Seychelles (Fine - 2 years)
Sierra Leone (Life)
Sudan (5 years - Death)
Tanzania (Fine - 25years)
Togo (Fine - 3 years)
Tunisia (Fine - 25years)
Swaziland (Male only US$90 - Prison)
Kenya (Male only Fine - 14 years)
Lesotho (Male only)
Uganda (Male only Fine - Life)
Zambia Male only Fine - 14 years)
Zimbabwe (Fine - 1 year)

Bhutan? (1 month - 1 year)
India (Fine - Life/10 years)
Myanmar/Burma (10 years - Life)
Pakistan (2 years - Life)
Singapore (2 years)
Bangladesh (10 years - Life)
Brunei (Fine - 10 years)
Iran (Prison - Death)
Kuwait (Fine - 7 years)
Lebanon (Fine - 1 year)
Malaysia (Fine - 20 years)
Nepal (US$115.00 - 1 year)
Oman (Fine - 3 years)
Qatar (Fine - 5 years)
Saudi Arabia (Death)
Sri Lanka (Fine - 10 years)
Syria (Fine - 3 years)
United Arab Emirates (Unknown - Death)
Yemen (Flogging - Death)

Palestinian Authority (Gaza) (Male only ? - 10 years, torture)
Uzbekistan (Male only Fine - 3 years)
Bahrain (Male only Fine - 10 years)
Maldives (Male only Fine - 10 years)
Turkmenistan (Male only Fine - 2 years)

Nicaragua (1-3 years)
Belize (10 years)
Trinidad and Tobago (25 years)
Antigua and Barbuda (15 years)
Barbados (Life)
Dominica (10 years)
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines (Fine-10 years)

Grenada (Male only 10 years)
Jamaica** (Male only 10 years hard labor)
Saint Kitts and Nevis (Male only 10 years)
Saint Lucia (Male only Fine-10 years)

Solomon Islands (Fine-14 years)
Western Samoa (Fine-7 years)

Kiribati (Male only Fine-14 years)
Nauru (Male only 14 years hard labor)
Palau (Male only Fine-10 years)
Papua New Guinea (Male only Fine-14 years)
Tonga (Male only)
Tuvalu (Male only Fine-14 years)
Cook Islands (Male only Fine - 14 years)
Niue (Male only Fine-10 years)
Tokelau (Male only Fine-10 years)

Guyana (Male only Life)

(85 nations)

war...

1) Ivory coast has an ongoing civil war
2) Congo is experiencing ongoing violence in some of its provinces in stead of elections going to the second round
3) Western Sahara is still in war between the Polisario Front (for independence) and the Maroccan military
4) Somali is in total war, and recently Ethiopian troops crossed the border to join forces with the provisional Somalian government in Baidoa
5) Nigeria has unrest in the Niger Delta region, which may become a civil war of a localised sort
6) India and Pakistan are still in conflict over Jammu and Kashmir
7) China and India have border conflicts
8) China is in war in Tibet against independence movements
9) India has the naxalite rebellion
10) Georgia has two independence movements in Abhasia
11) Turkey is still in war against the Kurdistan independentist movement
12) Mexico has a non-violent rebellion in the Chiapas region for the rights of Indigeneous peoples
13) Haiti is still effectively in civil war
14) Cuba is still in war with the USA as far as I know
15) Columbia has a civil war and a drug war
16) Chechenia declared independence of Russia in 1991, the war goes on though the independence movement is mostly crushed and the country is ruined




btw,
Uganda is the first country in the world to have a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage since 2004. If the US acts now we can soon catch up to Uganda!

i loved the interpreter (movie),
and i loved the interpreter (character).
the culture and premise and characters and plot were cool.
and of course the setting was the coolest in the world ;)
i didnt feel the connection i mentioned in the first group of movies on this blog, but i havent for a while, so perhaps it was only because i hadntve been watching movies for a while, but now im used to them again.

4 1/2 stars -- wouldve been 5 if only nicole kidman hadntve said that horrible line at the end "but there are the places i remember them"
b/c within the thematic premise of the movie itself, that suggests mourning for the rest of her life in abandoned places with only her memories.

a ending that wouldve 5 stared it for me would be something like "it's still my home, and i finished what i came here to do."

[edit]
My Beautiful Laundrette
was basically the directorial opposite of the interpreter
(very uncrisp conflict)
but good anyway, and the ending was appropriate in my opinion,
plus [Daniel Michael Blake Day-]Lewis, :)
though i appreciate Warneck too.
the characterization was confusing (ie, who was dominant?)

AP ECON A- B- (B)
AP ENGL A- C (B)
AP LAT-V A B+ (A-)
AP PHY C A- A (A)

MICRO 5
MACRO 5
PHYS C E&M 5
PHYS C MECH 5
LAT LIT 4
US HIST 4
LAT VIRGIL 5
CALCULUS BC 5

Columbia Honors Math III-IV A- B

Microeconomics (5), Macroeconomics (5), Latin Literature (4), Physics C Mechanics (5), Physics C E&M (5), US History (4), Latin: Virgil (5), Caluculus BC (5)

cisgender homosexual!

or homomasculine

or straight-acting

i went to the dentist yesterday for a cleaning from the scary yet adorable korean lady.
then i came in today at 8:30am for 3 fillings i probably didnt need, but let myself get roped into anyway because Dr. Methol is hot! So's his intern Victor. And I thought my orthodontist was hot... Methol is shorter, but so fucking masculine--huge biceps, super square jaw, jutting chin, high cheekbones, ice blue eyes. Real cool too, but nice as well. I wonder if he goes to circuit parties?

fast food nation (2001) -- 3 stars (even)
i liked it becasue it was 1) well written and clean 2) open to political interpretation.
these, particularly the second, brought it from a 1 1/2 to a 3--
even though it seems like a liberal tirade,
biased characters are the ones saying stuff, so i interpret it as a cynical/satirical look at all the politics (down on left and right) around environmentalism and immagrants.

however, almost no "connection,"
and almost no emotional connection to characters (except a little in the middle to end) because no character development--it was plot not character driven.
this is what drove it down from otherwise a 4 to 5 star level.


when boys fly (2002) -- 3 stars, i think
i liked this for a different reason,
didnt super like it of course,
no deep connection like some of the films below,
but i did get into the movie where i was no longer watching a movie, the movie just was (if you know what i mean:)
never more than a quarter turned me on.

it was totally awesome though, when i realized that "Greg" was Greg Stevens, the all-american jock, and my hero! i didnt really expect his voice to be like that, but i suppose it fits. can't wait for him to be "dr. stevens," unless of course he's one of those professors that goes by first name.

it was also cool to see Economics, Mankiw in the first scene

just about the only thing in the world i find offensive is:

"Matthew Shepard burns in hell"

the liberal counterparts simply cannot match the offensiveness!
how is "Oil kills" anything compared to that?

(the Raid parody slogan is less offensive--at least it's clever in a way)

"Although the overall number of crimes did not increase between 1997 and 1998, the number of hospitalizations more than doubled, assaults with guns increased 71 percent, and assaults with bats and clubs rose 47 percent." (Montana Human Rights Network News, May 1999; from "Gay Murders Continue" [http://www.mhrn.org/newsarchive/599murd.html])

Re: Gay panic defense,
hey, does this mean im allowed to kill women that hit on me?

senior symposium, senior tea, honors and awards.

so stupid. i was really quite happy after the theater symposium, meeting such people. and then after the journalism symposium (where to my delight one said, if you want a straightforward path and money, go into medicine or law, journalism is only for those that truly love it)

should i pursue latin in college?
do i truly love it, or simply feel obligated to myself, others, and my teachers?
at least i didnt win any latin awards.

tea (the reception, with swing jazz, a smooth dark atmosphere, and no tea) was very nice too.
but then awards started, and i really began to dred it, actually vehemently hate it.
once it started i calmed down.
and then a strange feeling came--i was truly disappointed not to get anything, when i feel like i shouldnt be moved, unless im a gavel-hunter.

i realize ive mischaracterized my peers, and myself.
why do i think that they are all pre-med, and that i am among the only that is not.
perhaps yuri isnt? she did help me in math.
perhaps i actually dont embody any ideals at all.

a few years a go i thought of endowing (100K) a 5K award--Sunderland Award of Genuinity--sometime around 2025, that basically would go to a person like me.
"dedication to learning and disseminating enlightenment over personal achievement" with the unannounced specification that the GPA be below what would be expected for such brilliance (specifically, MUST be below 95), be among the 5 most innately brilliant students, but have a natural ability/talent for music or art and math and science and writing, an unparalleled and pure love and passion of writing, math, science, history, social sciences (but must NOT be good a math team, or the process of writing research papers); not awarded every year.
leadership.
passions must be indefinite; theatrical productions and successful clubs, fundraisers, or leadership. must be less tangible, like stuff done for no credit, without anyone bidding, little things like deriving the calculus for marginality or elasticity.
perfectionism (not the successful type, not even the identifyable type, the type where a person will spend several hours on a hw or an email, and then not do a paper, and end up turning in a shitty job). award given on premise of encouraging letting go of perfectionism and self doubt.

~~~~

as an idealist personality type, i am most susceptible to disillusionment.
it happened fall of senior year--catastrophic disillusionment.
it was precipitated by the college process,
when i realized that i couldnt put any of the reasons why i was unique, prove any of my passions, or explain any of my achievements on my college application. my most tangible one, raising the money and then leading delegations to national conferences on my own, i couldnt even explain. it was TOO unique and exceptional--high school students dont lead delegations to hawaii, advisers do. we had no advisor. no one could understand.

then i began to see that perhaps all this was because my achievements were indeed worthless, since i couldnt prove them. perhaps being captain of the track and math team was a greater accomplishment. perhaps writing one's own musical was a greater accomplishment.

so this led to contemplating killing myself for about a month and a half. i gave up all my passions, as they were worthless. but coupled with acute burn out (after such accomplishments as a 10th grader!), my grades also dropped.
no wonder i got no recognition at all at the final awards ceremony.

but it has caused me to dread college in a way i had not yet--what if i fuck that up too? maybe its too late to learn how to be successful.
and i dont know if i want to ever donate to hunter, if it never wanted me--i had built up in my mind a place where i was happy, grew to become who i was, and which i would be eternally indebted to in the form of multimillion dollar donations.

not the way, none of it.

~~~~

a principle of discourse i tried to articulate earlier, perhaps elsewhere:
explaination by example--
if you truly dont want to talk about something, and its NOT being actively pursued, do not say "i dont want to talk about it" because the metamessage is that you DO want to talk about it, and perhaps want condolences.

almost two week movie dry spell (damn school).
The Prestige -- as good as the illusionist, maybe.
very cool, clean, complex. nice thought provocation (ie, "the audience actually does know the truth") without being a thinking-movie.
no connection, perhaps because i started watching it while eating dinner.
3 1/2 stars (rounds up)

what women want,

im not bsing you,
i fell for it all except for the last scene--where the spell was broken
(& the inevitable penis size discussion--if only guys are obsessed with penis size, why do only flicks written by chicks have such discussion; in fact penis size and ball kicking are my sole litmus tests for IDing chick flicks)

very self indulgent, non sequitur with spirit of movie;
the injected righteousness was unfair,
wouldve been 4 stars (couldve been 5) but for the last scene, which opened my eyes to the imbalence throughout--2.5 stars

nice: in 2nd to last scene he actually quits..., last scene-
leaves house, says thank you, she says will i see you again, he says soon--nice and open

shouldntve been called "what women want"
but "what women wished they wanted"

the female perhaps shouldve been more developed, slow to accept her interest in him under a facaid of bitch-ness instead of being complete at the beginning & acepting

fmaybe not lose ability, but not need it any more, daoist style (could use it but wont--very tomb raider, and ursula--is there a connection?) instead of "oh well" style

maybe he coulda realized he actually could think like a woman as the movie suggested, that the nike work was actually his! maybe he coulda actually quit his job.
maybe the female lead coulda been saved too (which she was literally at the end, of course not expected to be thankful, just self-righteous).
like the rumours about him were true, but he changed,
maybe the rumours about her coulda been true, but he changed her!

actually, this (and a few previous) posts are written to be remembered, since this is a somewhat permanent place.

my mom just told me and my sister a few stories from her childhood during the cultural revolution. about her pilot uncle (trained in texas), how the red guard beat her cat to death (they hung her up, and then beat it until it was killed--my mom was woken up by the screams of death--then poured industrial herbacide down its throat, and thew it into the bucket of fish pilot uncle was raising and brought worms from the xian moat every day; the old poor family next door felt pity and saved the fish in the other two smaller buckets later). how she and her sister killed her 10 chickens that they loved (raised from chicks) because owning chickens was capitalist. how all their valuables were sealed into the back room by college students, and they didnt go back there for 2 years until her cousin (in the red guard?) visited and told them they were being stupid, and tore down the paper cross seal. how she and her sister at age like 6 thought the old women with a gong chanting "i am a cow ghost snake spirit" were funny, and mimic-ed them in the backyard. how when the red guard came, they actually had nothing but 2 yuan to give. how her communist uncle donated the family courtyard to the communist party, who used it as a high school--high schools being the source of the red guard and the craziness. she said she should make a movie along the lines of "the gods must be crazy".

children of men
funny, i didnt have the "connection" of earlier movies from netflix--perhaps the effect of actually watching movies for a change has worn off, or maybe its because i watched half of it unsucessfully at a loud house party before.
however, i was emotionally moved.
and i loved the acting, the plot, the characters.
so despite not feeling that undescribable connection, since its got everything else, and i continue to like it afterwards, i give it 5 stars

what women want
more on this later,
but i will say, i loved it until the ending, which brought it down from 4 stars to 2 1/2.

hallie and i had a falling out in junior year (or was it sophomore?).
i now realize that the turning point was when i baked two loaves of bread.
my naivete was broken, and i began to see her clearly. perhaps she had changed--no more youthful discussion of ppl's color (she saw every person as a color, once), no more academic discussions at all actually.
the thermometer had broken in the oven during preheating (i left it in); i let the oven cool down, washed it, then baked my bread. i told her about the thermometer as a funny story, then the next day she refused to eat my bread. now of course we should be cautious, but i baked the bread, not her; i know exactly what happened.
actually, she misunderstood and thought the thermometer exploded while the bread was in, but after i clarified, she still wanted me to throw the bread out--such obstinacy (she recognized it in herself, but i never believed her before)!
she also fell out with me when i got a 5 on the Latin AP without putting nearly as much work in it as she did (ie, none vs 2 hrs a night). i think im a humble and non-ostentatious person--else i would be a pretty damn bad taoist!

she is a paradox. such a warm person (i think? maybe just polite), yet such a pre-med.
please note, "pre-med" is a term i use synonymously with grade-grubber, backstabbing, selfish, and harvard type.

i think the moment she fell out with me was when we had a long and extremely academic discussion (the likes of which i havent had since 1st semester junior year) and the guy at the table behind her at the chinese food place piped up "you're both gonna be millionairs, geez". then later walking by the south of the dustbowl i showed her some feng shui--that spaces between the lower fingers means youd never be wealthy--applying to both of us.
we dont dislike each other and are still friends, but neither are we best friends.
we had different world views--hers jewish (without being religiously or even culturally jewish), mine taoist.

note, i can never be a social studies person because i cannot conceive of their idea of a turning point--where the course of history changed direction. to me, history always proceeds straight from what happened before. perhaps this is the difference between a scientist that considers most of social studies mute--and a social studies person who cannot see that behaviorism is empirical tautology.

What if God Were The Sun -- enjoyed on deep level, enjoyed, women's film
Zoolander, 2001 -- connection, enjoyed
Fight Club, 1999 -- grows on me
House of D, 2004 -- connection, grows on me, enjoyed
Trust the Man, 2005 -- connection?, ungrows on me, enjoyed, women's film
The 40-Year-Old Virgin, 2005 -- enjoyed
Little Miss Sunshine, 2006 -- enjoyed, connection?
This Is Spinal Tap, 1984 -- didnt enjoy
Man of the Year, 2006 -- enjoyed, poor ending
The Naked Gun, 1988 -- enjoyed, poor beginning
My Own Private Idaho, 1991 -- mad connection, grows on me, didnt enjoy
Good Will Hunting, 1997 -- mad enjoyed on deep level
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, 1966 -- nostalgia
Accepted, 2006 -- enjoyed
Thank You for Smoking, 2005 -- enjoyed
The Lake House, 2006 -- enjoyed on deep? level
Borat, 2006 -- somewhat enjoyed

Edward H. Norton scared me in The Illusionist (too gay doctor/psychologist), was great in Fight Club though, hm
River Phoenix, Mr. Wodnick, Ben Stiller (Zoolander) are great

[edit may 27] dont remember "connection" with borat, 2006, it was funny, but i didnt enjoy it (at least not all of it--loved the opening scene though); not much connection with thank you for smoking (i think), but mad enjoyed

just watched zoolander, and the character strongly reminds me of Alex Bores. even his interesting "l" accent--i cant figure out why, since Alex doesnt have this.

i know zoolander is Alex's 2nd favorite movie (it and his 1st both have Duchovny, also my favorite actor, for reasons i cannot fathom as he isnt that good--maybe its the jaw, and nastalgia of a 9th grade crush)

the movie was dear to me, even though i didnt like parts of the middle that slowed down, and the trance was broken.

maybe it was that particular quality that zoolander had,
something that youd think would be described as adorable or cute,
but those words arent even in the right direction.
his attraction is ineffable then.

i had a much stronger deep-level reaction to My Own Private Idaho, even though i didnt like the movie itself much--the acting was bad, the plot was annoying in some ways; but there was something, perhaps river phoenix, something only amplified by his death in real life.

Today I finally watched My Own Private Idaho.
I didn't like it while watching it, and when I was done.
But afterwards I realized how much I love River Phoenix's character.

The movie affected me in a deeper way than any movie I can remember,
but not in a good way.
No epic feeling, no sad-epic (waking up from good dream) feeling,
just a sad/angry one. (I was in such a good mood before too)
Phoenix's death 14 years ago doubled it.
Plus I had just read Another Country, Rufus being another man I loved.
I just saw such inevitability.
I didn't bounce back to normal until The Naked Gun.

Last class at Columbia, at least for a couple years.
Excited about fbking ppl via the group.
A few cute ones, though the cute ones (see below) are listed as straight.
I'm bound to take them by their word, though GAYDAR says otherwise.

GAYDAR is faulty anyway; the only way to know, is to catch them checking someone out. A few may have been, but it may have just been counter-checking, a straight thing.

One grad math student stood out to me before, the 5'10.5" John Baldwin.
Today his loose-ish shirt belied his previously aspied musculature,
but I was still caught by his eyes and face (and ass; narrow enough),
sorta like Kellan Lutz (of Dickinson, ND),
but with a prettier and less european/preppy face, and bluer eyes.
He was flirting with a 6'3" guy with great shape but unspectacular face.
His dad apparently was there too, shaking hands,
less tall, much less pretty, 50s--strange.

Garden of Iden:

I absolutely love the premise
and the amusing anachronistic dialogue.

I'm ok with the prose--
clean, fast,
but a little too much self-consciously chatty Verfremdungseffekt;
maybe it's just my beef with 1st person narrative,
though they be easier to read.

Giving shorty so much power seemed a little self indulgent,
but only because i was identifying the author's style with a friend of mine's.

I did NOT like the overuse of "shit" and under-use of "fuck".

I was not ok with how condescending the characters got when angry: "little shit, little prick, little prat, little brat". Of course the author justified it with their superiority, but it reminded me a little too much of a certain under-5-foot friend who similarly get condescending (difficult for one of such stature) when angry.

In my book, angry people can say (in conjunction with "fuckin") "bitch", "asshole", occasionally "jerk". "Little fuck" is only for non-angry conversation.

Other than that I like the operatives.

But I was not amused by the little girl fantasy quality of this sci-fi novel that turned out to be a romance novel. I absolutely could not stand money, whom the author refused to refer to as Nick.

He was so fucking British, with his height and his broken nose.
Yes, I have a problem.
I hate the British and the Asian women that fawn over their ugliness.
What attracts women to them?
Why is racism so sexy?
I hate myself for being turned on, knowing that British men and women alike will have nothing to do with me.
I of course have no experience here, so I may be misinformed,
but I did read a website of a cute Eurasian man (who looked basically white, maybe a little Keanu Reeves-like; green eyes!) who talked about how European women got off well with him, but the British felt him common.

Who am I?

I hope my orientation isn't the most interesting aspect of me;
I'm also a New Yorker and Eurasian.

Not the one, but indeed the three unfortunately do seem to encompass my being entirely.

Maybe you'll hafta add in Atheist to really categorize and judge me.
But this label is misleading, because I really act nothing like Penn & Teller.

apprehensive about Midd b/c feared "no GAMs" racism
but a hot 6-4 GWM checked me out, so Midd it is!

Fuck, I think I just pissed off SCEhardt, someone up to whom i really look!!
And he quoted a WP on me, a really important one too =(
I'll just have to avoid the Critical Mass wiki for a while.
Maybe I'll take a across the board break.
Nothing much else is going on.
Came out to my shrink.

Happy post:

Today at teacher-faculty dinner, I finally met the cute ones--Max and his friends Corry, David, Matt.

I remember making a mental note of the two cutest ones at the beginning of class, and thinking how hot it'd be if they got to know each other. He's also alot more confidant nowadays--must've had sex.

In Italy, the hottest were these three at the Colosseum. But later then this weird non-sexual attraction came over me at the Guggenheim--it made me happy, content, satisfied, at peace, serene, but not hard (though he was cute). I realize that I'm attracted to those that I at least think are attracted to me, unlike most people.

In econ, I realized that this guy Terrance that everyone considers cute, really isn't that hot. Then I realized that all the non-asian kids in that class (all men interestingly) are considered "hot." It seems that at this school, non-asianess implies hotness.

dahmer -- what a tragedy!
6'2" and so pretty...
petty high school jealousy.

i fantasize:
now that im the age he was,
to go back and take Hicks' place
but accept not reject his beauty
and take him away from fatal adversity
saving 17 lives plus 1

this certainly must be forgotten.

every time Ashraf talks to me, i cry for at least 10 minutes.
i respect his opinion so much.
he is everything i am not.
how dare i foolishly forget that he is a better and kinder person than i will ever be.

why is life so unfair, to give me second chances i dont deserve and invariably squander.
why does god still love me, when i live in sin?
why was i born so weak?

even if i dont deserve happiness, why am i forced to see myself make others unhappy day after day?

how is it possible that i am a fuck up,
yet have never done drugs and have drank only three sips while out to eat with my parents?

im a unique case, a "loser fuck up."

Cynthia Nixon -- frightens me
Kristin Davis -- doesnt frighten me

Kim Cattrall -- frightened me early in series
Sarah Jessica Parker -- would frighten me but she seems nice

the first few days of this past week were the worst since junior year,
mostly because of the musical i foolishly signed up for.
but i quit it, so now its all good.

thursday i felt like shit.

i starting thinking about how over the years i had delved into my passions knowing full well that it wasnt possible to explain the level of initiative, passion, and even time involved to an admissions officer. when i started i didnt care, for years i didnt care, but since september ive forgotten why i made those choices. i was much more prepared for an interview last year.

but then my councilor somehow made me feel really really good about myself--no, by talking to me of course. halfway through the 2 hr meeting something clicked and she realized that she was going to have to use some of her psychologist powers on me, for the first time, or at least first time at that level of power.

the interview today went very well. and theyguy was so fucking hot! and so married. but that helped.

i dont often check my phone messages.

this is good, because i never heard (until now) the message mom left on my cell fri 26 dec 06 10:32 pm:

"Matthew, you really want to kill me, that's mean [sic], you want to end my life if you do this to me... 10:30. [end]"

how fucking ridiculus. it was 10:30 on a friday night. i wasnt out club hopping, or doing drugs, or having sex, or even outside in the rain. i was having dinner with friends that graduated last year and now spend most of the year at caltech or uchicago etc. i had left at 9:30 anyway, and was home soon after her message, which as i said thankfully i did not listen to until now.