Wow, types of non-NT condition seem to be associated with an inverted drug reaction:

ADHD: Stimulants calm them down
Schizotypy: Sedatives arouse them from catatonia
Borderline Personality: Tobacco
Schizoid Personality: Marijuana

My secondary symptoms:

1. Depression, characterized by regret, not sadness; feeling sorry, not feeling sorry for myself; feeling thankful for everyone's magnanimity, not resentful for everyone's cruelty; masochistic, but not suicidal; major problems with concept of self
   
2. Anxiety
3. Disassociation, both derealization (like nothing is real) and depersonalization (like I'm watching myself do things in a dream), very weird, but for short durations in the past (perhaps last Fall?)--has something to do with
   
4. a little borderline personality features, like "hunger" or "a pressing urge almost to merge with the other person"--I know exactly what this means, it's like a dull ache inside (yet pressingly urgent) to do precisely that, merge with another person
5. substance abuse, alcohol and especially caffeine, the alcohol seems to remove the inhibition on hyperactivity, and the caffeine makes it easier to sit still
   
6. sleep deprivation psychosis, the walls and the grass breathe all the time when I get less than 7.5 hours of sleep more than 3 days in a row; yes, even 6.5 hours of sleep 3 days in a row is enough for sleep deprivation psychosis to manifest; however, when i take ADHD medication, I seem to respond to slight sleep deprivation (6.5 hours of sleep continuously) like normal people, sleep but not full-blown hyperactive, not irrationally sad with no warning during the day, not feeling literally like death, and not psychotic
   

My current internal dialog mostly consists of "no, you're not worthless; please stop."

you are a bad person.
you are a bad student and a bad son.

背信弃义

you betray your mother, Teacher Yao, Teacher Wu, and Katherine Davis.

last semester papers dragged my entire semester and all my classes down. history is doomed to repeat itself. you can't expect the same bucket to draw different water. like a cancer it spreads, ultimately causing multiple organ failure and death of the entire organism.

i feel so attention seeking.
an attention seeking, spoiled brat.

Observation - Older people are statistically more able to see the beauty of other races. Unfortunately for gay men, Asian beauty cannot be seen until the age of 40.

• 歌曲名：北京欢迎你
• 所属专辑：北京欢迎你
• 演唱：刘欢
• 歌词：发送歌词到手机

1. 【陈天佳】迎接另一个晨曦　带来全新空气　
2. 【刘欢】气息改变情味不变　茶香飘满情谊　
3. 【那英】我家大门常打开　开放怀抱等你　
4. 【孙燕姿】拥抱过就有了默契　你会爱上这里　
5. 【孙悦】不管远近都是客人　请不用客气　
6. 【王力宏】相约好了再一起　我们欢迎你　
7. 【韩红】我家种着万年青　开放每段传奇　
8. 【周华健】为传统的土壤播种　为你留下回忆　
9. 【梁咏琪】陌生熟悉都是客人　请不用拘礼　
10. 【羽泉】第几次来没关系　有太多话题　
11. 【成龙】北京欢迎你　为你开天辟地　
12. 【任贤齐】流动中的魅力充满着朝气　
13. 【蔡依林】北京欢迎你　在太阳下分享呼吸　
14. 【孙楠】在黄土地刷新成绩　
15. 【周笔畅】我家大门常打开　开怀容纳天地　
16. 【韦唯】岁月绽放青春笑容　迎接这个日期　
17. 【黄晓明】天大地大都是朋友　请不用客气　
18. 【韩庚】画意诗情带笑意　只为等待你　
19. 【汪峰】北京欢迎你　像音乐感动你　
20. 【莫文蔚】让我们都加油去超越自己　
21. 【谭晶】北京欢迎你　有梦想谁都了不起　
22. 【陈奕迅】有勇气就会有奇迹　
23. 【阎维文】北京欢迎你　为你开天辟地　
24. 【戴玉强】流动中的魅力充满着朝气　
25. 【王霞．李双松】北京欢迎你　在太阳下分享呼吸　
26. 【廖昌永】在黄土地刷新成绩　
27. 【林依轮】北京欢迎你　像音乐感动你　
28. 【张娜拉】让我们都加油去超越自己　
29. 【林俊杰】北京欢迎你　有梦想谁都了不起　
30. 【阿杜】有勇气就会有奇迹　
31. 京剧：北京欢迎你呀
32. 【容祖儿】我家大门常打开　开放怀抱等你　
33. 【李宇春】拥抱过就有了默契　你会爱上这里　
34. 【黄大炜】不管远近都是客人　请不用客气　
35. 【陈坤】相约好了再一起　我们欢迎你　
36. 【谢霆锋】北京欢迎你　为你开天辟地　
37. 【韩磊】流动中的魅力充满着朝气　
38. 【徐若瑄】北京欢迎你　在太阳下分享呼吸　
39. 【费翔】在黄土地刷新成绩　
40. 【汤灿】我家大门常打开　开怀容纳天地　
41. 【林志玲　张梓琳】岁月绽放青春笑容　迎接这个日期　
42. 【张靓颖】天大地大都是朋友　请不用客气　
43. 【许茹芸　伍思凯】画意诗情带笑意　只为等待你　
44. 【杨坤．范玮琪】北京欢迎你　像音乐感动你　
45. 【游鸿明．周晓欧】让我们都加油去超越自己　
46. 【沙宝亮．满文军】北京欢迎你　有梦想谁都了不起　
47. 【金海心．何润东】有勇气就会有奇迹　
48. 【飞儿．庞龙】北京欢迎你　为你开天辟地　
49. 【吴克群．齐峰】流动中的魅力充满着朝气　
50. 【5566．胡彦斌】北京欢迎你　在太阳下分享呼吸　
51. 【郑希怡．刀郎】在黄土地刷新成绩　
52. 【纪敏加．屠洪刚．吴彤】北京欢迎你　像音乐感动你　
53. 【郭容．刘耕宏．腾格尔】让我们都加油去超越自己　
54. 【金莎．苏醒．韦嘉】北京欢迎你　有梦想谁都了不起　
55. 【付丽珊．黄征．房祖】有勇气就会有奇迹　
56. 【全体】北京欢迎你　有梦想谁都了不起　
57. 【全体】有勇气就会有奇迹　
58. 【全体】北京欢迎你　有梦想谁都了不起　
59. 【全体】有勇气就会有奇迹

This morning, June 11th, 2009, is the best morning ever. I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm (on a Friday!), the sun was still setting, and through the green trees I could see the red (knew it was going to be a good day). Woke at 7:30, showered, shaved. Afraid to see my teachers (they wanted a paper yesterday), so I walked to Sama's.

Best morning ever. It was sunny and warm, but a thin cloud kept it from being hot. And a cool breeze, not cold or hot, smelled like freshness and mornings at a beach at Delaware. My service was prompt and economical. The eggs over easy and toast were not bad. The sausages were the best I've ever had in my life, no joke! They tasted like Vermont (maple syrup) and a little oriental.


喝啤酒，抽大麻，只需要好朋友
三点睡，十点醒，去吃饭，然后再做
我爱大学，我爱喝酒，
我爱女性，我爱大学。

Names:

韩羿 Hán Yì ♂
韩翀 Hán Chōng
韩翝 Hán Hóng
韩翡 Hán Fěi ♀

韩翎 Hán Líng
韩翉 Hán Běn
韩翗 Hán Kè
韩翖 Hán Xī
韩翙 Hán Huì
韩翓 Hán Xié
韩翝 Hán Hóng

(http://www.chinese-tools.com/tools/sinograms.html)

KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart.

BRIAN
You are.

KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart
So why don't I have
A boyfriend?
Fuck!
It sucks to be me!


I see happiness all around me, but it stops at my skin. I can't let it inside. I feel it in little moments with Jamie because he loves me so hard. He loves me as hard as the people who treated me like shit.
(paraphrased)

what will become of me? oblivion?

~~~~

Fine, I have low self-esteem. I denied it on the basis of my vanity--not relevant. My approach to love at this point in my life is that I have two choices: choose to hook up with people you don't want to hook up with--or choose chastity. I chose the former for 2 years. I've been choosing the latter for 6 months. I thought I was so much happier, and maybe I'm unhappy for other reasons (ie, genetics direct or indirect, stress, academics).

Matt Sunderland is thankful and sorry. Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Matt Sunderland at 1:57pm May 14

I just wanted to go to KDR, but I think everyone was convinced I was gonna [-pull a] Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon [-on] Otter Creek.

So they tricked me into going to bed with the line, "just lay down in your bed first and then you can go to KDR." I cleverly escaped [+through the basement] at one point but like all of PALANA tackled me and carried me back.

I end up in bed with Sharris, but I start reading a book while she snores because I took two caffeine pills in an attempt to thwart their plot of putting me to bed. I thought about climbing out the window, but Cat had made me promise not to leave.... Read More

It was kinda funny, but also sobering. The point is, I'm sorry to have been so troublesome, and I'm thankful that so many people care, worry, and want to protect me. Being put to bed made me feel like Blanch DuBois, but in retrospect, going to KDR at 3am was a terrible idea.



"You said, 'it's so meaningful that you're here with me now,' to me"
-Sarah Harris

"When I woke up, I was in your bed. And I was big spoon, and you were little spoon."
-Sarah Harris

Really funny episode actually.

"At one point you escaped through the basement."
-Sarah Harris

Yeah, and Cat tackled me and they carried me by my four limbs back into the house.

The next morning, no one mentioned it to me, except to ask how I was. I was totally expecting everyone to be like, wow Matt you were mad bellig yesterday.

Apparently I told Sarah I was gonna jump in the river and that I had suicidal thoughts. I kinda remember telling them that I wasn't gonna, but maybe I didn't.

http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/22/new-battle-lines-on-gay-marriage/?scp=7&sq=same-sex%20marriage&st=cse

how annoying when conservatives, the very set of people exclusively from which elements regularly lynch and kill queers, claim to be "persecut[ed]" when criticized.

the supreme court ruled that the confederate flag, a symbol of treason, is not protected free speech. no, the lyncher is not persecuted when he is prevented from lynching, and certainly not when he is just criticized with words.

but Tafel is right, you have to be practical. don't do emotional things you want to just because you are justified. turning the other cheek garners sympathy, as cynical a statement as that is.

Savage had the best response.

~~~~

http://middleburyconfessional.com/secrets/view/64171
"3, true that but some gay guys actually dance with girls and that is what confuses people. One particular guy dances with a lot of girls, but I heard he wishes some gay guys would man up and dance with him or each other to let him know...mhmm"

totally applies to me.

im gonna make an informal pledge never again to
-hook up with someone im not attracted again
(i can say "thank you, im so flattered, but im not interested")
-make a move on someone on/before the 1st date

if i fail, i will not deny making this pledge, i will figure out what to do from there.
if someone i am interested in makes a move, i will reciprocate.

secondly,
one day when my academics are under control, i will ask boys out.

hey so-and-so, i was wondering if you'd like to such-and-such* where, when. the movie should be over by 7 so you can get to whatever other plans you have.
before we get on with whatever other plans you may have.
early enough so we can get to whatever plans you have for the evening.
[i cant figure out how to say, "were not gonna hook up afterward"--it's all coming out sounding like the opposite]
everyone complains about the dating scene, but no one does anything about it.

*make a list of innocent dates where there is ZERO possibility of hooking up
-see a movie in dana
-have an early dinner at FIC
-have a cup of coffee at Carol's (closes at 5)