I have been so stupid. And why now so cynical and jaded?

Naive in thinking schools are looking for genuine authentic people with a true passion for learning (and life and the subject) who will bring something to a campus, when really they have tens of thousands of applicants, and its so much easier to just look at grades. If only my primary goal in life was to make the grade like my peers, and not to actually learn something, to actually better one's self, to actually inspire others. Needless to say, it is unlikely a good school will take me, even with legacy.

I sometimes think I hate a close friend of mine. But of course we are not so close. And of course for years I haven't been able to hate anyone longer than a few minutes. I hate her because though not as bright (as if that matters), she is phenomenal where it counts: test taking and getting good grades. I hate her because she often probes my mind with her insight, and because she drives me to insight her's, which I have always held to be immoral before. And when I was less wise (if that is possible) years ago and asked her to a dance, she easily said no. Instead she went with a sophmore, a short, rude, not as good looking sophmore, instead of the tall polite good looking junior. Of course now I know I was being stupid again, because both of us aren't really into each other's genders apparently. And I realize now, which my parents agree with, that she's not even that good looking. It's not sour grapes, but I wouldn't go out with her if she asked. I am indeed hypocritical, but she silently judges people too much.

I was tricked into a relationship these past months. I went out with someone under the pretext that we wouldn't be steady. Then of course she goes and not only decides we're going steady, but does so without telling me. So she goes and tells everyone I'm her boyfriend, even the various freshmen she mentors. So on her birthday, she says she doesn't want to be steady, which to her means breaking up, but to me means something else. And now I feel guilty and cruel for feeling happy instead of sad (seriously I'm not in denial here, just being heartless/superficial -- the woman just wasn't attractive enough to go steady with). I really don't understand this idea of going steady with telling each other, but just assuming it. The conservative notion is quite common at our school, which was supposed to be liberal, and does nothing but cause unneccessary complications and risk. It was the woman's birthday too.

I wish I was a better singer, and could get into Chamber.

Today I go to a q&a seminar with Sn. Edwards. And I'm a little sad I didn't have a question prepared, and wasn't witty enough to carry on a conversation with the other delegates. My friend has two questions he didn't get to asking, or decided against: "If Iran nukes us, would you nuke 'em back?" and "Do you support raising oil prices?" I wish I knew them beforehand, because I would've used them. This is no reason to be sad because several seniors didn't ask questions. Maybe it was because this one delegate visable doesn't like me and thinks I'm stupid when it comes to IR (which I probably am). It wasn't cause to cry type of saddness, but instead just this sick to your stomach feeling.

I live close. I come home today and what should I see but my dad is drunk again. He had gotten drunk twice a week for as long as I can remember. Also, not a single day has passed since this one time a couple years ago he was seriously ill that he hasn't smoked. How pathetic is that? Tomorrow I have one of the most important tests of the year, and I need people to be supportive. But he is so selfish, he only thinks about himself.

I am selfish too.

Is it a bad thing to blame your parents? I blame my dad's parents for letting him become an alcoholic at the age of 16. For ruining his back at around the same time? For developing a cynical, spiteful, poor-me, the-whole-world-is-out-to-get-me attitude? And I am left with no study habits, and no self-control, no individual-initiative/independance, and no ability to take responsibility for my own actions it seems. What kind of person would blame their parents for their own failings? Whenever I even accidently hint at critiquing his parenting, he gets extreemly angry and defensive. Why? And why does he feel the need to constantly remind me with the rhetorical questions, "when have I ever been less than completely devoted to your well being?" He also vehemitaly denies being an alchoholic.

It's easy to tell when he's drunk, in addition to the easy signs of talking loud and stumbling, but he plays loud music, curses, and rambles about philosophy.

When he goes back to the bar an hour ago, my mom hid his wallet without him noticing, so he invariable came back.

It also gets annoying how my mom every month or so starts crying when he's out at some bar, and talks to me about divorcing him when my sister graduates from high school. But it's been a while since the last one.

But their problems and my problems are so minor compared to others', I can't bring them up without sounding insincere, and like I'm just trying to use it to get into a program.

My parents would get so angry if I watched a half-hour program. But never thought that I would spend 5 hours in my room surfing the internet and looking at smut.
I got my sister to put a parental control lock on my computer, because I won't have enough will power tomorrow to resist jacking. Just thinking about this really pretty classmate of mine who was a delegate today can push me over the edge.

Shoot, I was checking the parental control on google stupidly, and found out it can't block cached sites, or google pictures. And damn it, I was pushed over the edge.

Last night I sprayed roach stuff into the hole that leads to the radiator, because roaches keep coming in at around 3, huge ones. The smell forced me to sleep on the couch outside.

I've been rejected from basically everything this year. Is it forshadowing next year? I was rejected from a model un delegation, from chamber choir, from a teaching internship. But they're all so inconsequential to the rejection that will come next year.

Making the grade in Latin entails memorizing lines of english, because that's all we're tested on. Funny I thought it was about a passion for the intrecacies of the beautiful language. Making the grade in literature entails finding out what the teacher wants to here, and then praising it. Making the grade in history entails memorizing facts and forgetting them after the exam. Funny I thought it was about understanding isights into history and lively class debates. Only in adv calc do you have to truly understand the material and care about it to get by. Memorizing and bull-shitting will not help you here. So why is it this is the only class the admissions people don't care about?

This cute girl I thought was cool turns out to have no respect for teachers and teaching. Makes sense, because she was friends of the lesbian.

I want to watch Wing Commander, which I watched a year or so ago on sci-fi for some random reason. Of course I and the store won't have it. When I first saw it I misread the name as Wing Patrol. Hey, I just looked wing commander up on movie-tomb, and what's this wing commander iv, with Casper Van Dien?! who is only the hottest person in the world. Funny how I've never seen anything by him. I wanna see that too then...

Lastly, let me talk about my club advisor. I don't know why we even have one. Last year we didn't and the chair of the math dept with whom I am very good friends made the club work. This year the advisor actively inhibited the club. All she cares about is her stupid publication. Because she was so selfish, we didn't raise enough money to send anyone to the conferance. And she's angry with me? Every time the senior editor in chief riles her up, I have to go in and save the word by charming her into calmness. And it gets annoying sometimes. Next year I want her out. And thank god that senior is graduating.

[edit] OMFG, this site blocker is so stupid; it won't block porn, but it will block... the NYTimes?!?! What's even more stupid is how I just spent the past two hours posting on my secret blog and surfing.

[edit] correction: 4 hrs

haec dediscantur.
May these things be forgotten.