i want to be at inner peace.
but i am not.
i cant endure the judgement of my best friend, my ex best friend, and her best friend.
i want it to wash over me, but it sticks.
is it not enough to promise not to pass judgement on them.
and hope for reciprocation?

maybe to let go of sensitivity to judgement, one must let go of things to judge.
if the judgement is wrong, it it good enough to me?
must i let go of my friends?
why is the way always so hard to find?
i want not to want. i want to find my path.
but i am not enlightened.

i get no reciprocation because i do pass judgement.
even unspoken it is there.
and even if i judge not others, every minute i judge myself.
but the end may not be the means.

i want to justify myself.
i want not to want to.
but otherwise people pass judgement.
and im not enlightened enough to not care.
im accused of not caring.
but i think i care too much.
(please make me stop judging myself!)

i am embarrased
and proud
and embarrased to be proud
that i think of myself as
the sun in jones' seeing is believing.
i feel
or pretend to feel
a connection to everyone
and everyone's happiness.