i have sinned.
the repentance is useless.
but still i wish i repent more.
why?
because i feel like i am sinning again.
stop judging yourself.
i am unenlightened.

defending oneself is sin.
because its covering ones ass, manipulating culpability.
but if you dont, culpability remains with you.
the sages may (forgive my insighting) say that if you were truly enlightened you wouldnt care.
it is enough to know that youre right.
but i am not enlightened.
and i do care.

so lies a choice.

but maybe it is not enough to know that youre right.
just as the thought that you go to heaven and the others go to hell
sounds very christian.
so just have faith in that you did the right thing.
but evangliam is sin.

sure defending yourself is sin.
is telling people that you could defend yourself (which you could but wont) sin?
is thinking that you could defend yourself sin?

ie, it was her fault for not checking her email, how is it mine?
she called from random numbers; she shouldve called my home phone or sms'd me.
why expect the same bucket to draw different water?

sin. all sin.

i insight (forgive me) that others try their hardest to say what would have the greatest effect, even if theyre lies.
again i judge (them to be lies). forgive me.
but no one can burn my bridges. and i wont burn theirs. so i withold the truth.
i know she was PMSing. she told me such. but this i cannot juxtapose with my own defense.
is there hope?
buddha had no peers.
but then again, even unenlightened, i have no friends.
and i sinfully entertain the notion that perhaps i have no peers.
6 months and it still ruins my life. i will never have a girlfriend again.