senior symposium, senior tea, honors and awards.
so stupid. i was really quite happy after the theater symposium, meeting such people. and then after the journalism symposium (where to my delight one said, if you want a straightforward path and money, go into medicine or law, journalism is only for those that truly love it)
should i pursue latin in college?
do i truly love it, or simply feel obligated to myself, others, and my teachers?
at least i didnt win any latin awards.
tea (the reception, with swing jazz, a smooth dark atmosphere, and no tea) was very nice too.
but then awards started, and i really began to dred it, actually vehemently hate it.
once it started i calmed down.
and then a strange feeling came--i was truly disappointed not to get anything, when i feel like i shouldnt be moved, unless im a gavel-hunter.
i realize ive mischaracterized my peers, and myself.
why do i think that they are all pre-med, and that i am among the only that is not.
perhaps yuri isnt? she did help me in math.
perhaps i actually dont embody any ideals at all.
a few years a go i thought of endowing (100K) a 5K award--Sunderland Award of Genuinity--sometime around 2025, that basically would go to a person like me.
"dedication to learning and disseminating enlightenment over personal achievement" with the unannounced specification that the GPA be below what would be expected for such brilliance (specifically, MUST be below 95), be among the 5 most innately brilliant students, but have a natural ability/talent for music or art and math and science and writing, an unparalleled and pure love and passion of writing, math, science, history, social sciences (but must NOT be good a math team, or the process of writing research papers); not awarded every year.
leadership.
passions must be indefinite; theatrical productions and successful clubs, fundraisers, or leadership. must be less tangible, like stuff done for no credit, without anyone bidding, little things like deriving the calculus for marginality or elasticity.
perfectionism (not the successful type, not even the identifyable type, the type where a person will spend several hours on a hw or an email, and then not do a paper, and end up turning in a shitty job). award given on premise of encouraging letting go of perfectionism and self doubt.
~~~~
as an idealist personality type, i am most susceptible to disillusionment.
it happened fall of senior year--catastrophic disillusionment.
it was precipitated by the college process,
when i realized that i couldnt put any of the reasons why i was unique, prove any of my passions, or explain any of my achievements on my college application. my most tangible one, raising the money and then leading delegations to national conferences on my own, i couldnt even explain. it was TOO unique and exceptional--high school students dont lead delegations to hawaii, advisers do. we had no advisor. no one could understand.
then i began to see that perhaps all this was because my achievements were indeed worthless, since i couldnt prove them. perhaps being captain of the track and math team was a greater accomplishment. perhaps writing one's own musical was a greater accomplishment.
so this led to contemplating killing myself for about a month and a half. i gave up all my passions, as they were worthless. but coupled with acute burn out (after such accomplishments as a 10th grader!), my grades also dropped.
no wonder i got no recognition at all at the final awards ceremony.
but it has caused me to dread college in a way i had not yet--what if i fuck that up too? maybe its too late to learn how to be successful.
and i dont know if i want to ever donate to hunter, if it never wanted me--i had built up in my mind a place where i was happy, grew to become who i was, and which i would be eternally indebted to in the form of multimillion dollar donations.
not the way, none of it.
~~~~
a principle of discourse i tried to articulate earlier, perhaps elsewhere:
explaination by example--
if you truly dont want to talk about something, and its NOT being actively pursued, do not say "i dont want to talk about it" because the metamessage is that you DO want to talk about it, and perhaps want condolences.
