one reason i have a secret emo blog is because my life really isnt bad enough at all to be emo, how ironic that im typing this in the computer lab and i keep scrolling down when anyone looks at my screen...

this post will be just as trivial as the others. this time its because of model un. i really wanted to get on the team, but again they will say no. how could i blow it again? perhaps im not a good enough person morally to be on the team, perhaps god is punishing me for my past transgressions against him. i must not deserve to be on the team because i dont deserve to be happy in life. the sooner i accept that the sooner i can move on and get on (with life). im really being stupid about the whole thing, its just a model un team. i just feel like ive been trying to get on this team every year for so many years. and this time im the only one applying that has any experience whatsoever outside of this school's model un exploits, and the team has rejected me three times. and this time there were only 34 applications for 30 spots?! i really must be pitiful. i know they always say that being rejected from things isnt a value judgement on your self worth, but its a lie. of course its a value judgement, and they judged you not valued, not good enough, not worthy.

and the funny thing was, i didnt realize how low my chances are of getting in until today, when i run into an officer and he lists the four reasons why they are rejecting me (without saying that they will reject me though). and i worry that i mightve had a chance before running in to him, but after that he mightve convinced himself to reject me. of course im being irrational though, their decision is probably already made up, they just wont make the results conclusive and public until next week or so.

basically im not diplomatic, i dont take model un seriously (i have no respect), i violated the diplomatic covenant of reacting to statements and not anticipating them, and i didnt do my research. thats why im not getting in.

then the next officer that begins to talk to me, i cut off and say over and over that i really dont want to know. but the problem is half of me wants to find another officer and hear them out, and maybe argue with them. but the problem is i would probably go emo on them, and that would be embarrasing.

the paper i turned in was crap, i know that of course. they probably havent read it yet, but they soon will. im obviously just not cut out for model un because i pulled two all nighters for it, and sill ended up trying to fix it at the last moment. yes, thats it, im predestined, preordained to not have what it takes. i have to accept it.

the way i screwed the audition this year was thus: i was put on the speakers list late, so by the time it got to me, people were all saying the same things, basically that they all supported this one treaty. heres why you all support the treaty - you all signed it!! ok, we get it! so i throw out my speech and give what sets my country apart. the good thing is that i dont stutter when i improvise. however, it really came off as flippent. and half the officers had really angry looks on their faces and half just looked shocked. then i say something inflamatory because this onw country wanted a right of reply, and they didnt invoke it, leaving me just looking stupid. i also broke my glasses and got an ear infection. so i couldnt make eye contact, and i didnt say anything during the mod because i couldnt hear anything.

the worst part is that ive lost what little respect any of the officers and the advisors had for me. and theyre all angry at me now. and they all think i have no respect for them.

and i know you are thinking, why would anyone want to read this, its so trivial and overdramaticized. but i really needed to forget.

haec dediscantur.